You guessed it, I have not really grown up. I know, shocking isn't it? I am the father of one kindergartner and we have another kid on the way. Can you say family of four? I should be a grown up, but I don't live like one at all. Give me a cause and I will run with it, give me a slow paced PTA meeting and I will fall asleep. Sound familiar? Perhaps because that is how I acted when I was in my early 20's. Sitting here and making the world a more colorful place, but not paying the bills that have been sitting on the coffee table for the past month. I exaggerate, but not really if I think about it hard enough.

Shelli and I had a little wake up moment last night. When I talked about the camera that I bought for school/film work. And the little bit of trivia that follows is priceless, unlike the camera. I disclosed how much of my financial aid I spent on it, and Shelli's voice got so high that had we kept animals they would have been howling, squeaking and squawking. It was only a fraction of the financial aid check from a few semesters ago, but it was a hefty sum for us to think about spending.

She calmed down right away once I explained that it was for school, and that I had told her previously how much it had cost me. But as I slide through my Jewish studies program, I find that last years challenge of two really high profile classes was a difficult one. Not just because they forced me to sing in front of people all the time and write every day about how Jewish philosophy was still relevant to my life here and now. Those are things I could do while sleeping, but the sheer strain of studying my Hebrew, raising a rambunctious daughter, having a server meltdown and a subsequent rebuild, volunteering at my various agencies and volunteering to be the lead on a project exploring Housing as a Human Right for the LGBT Advisory Committee at the Human Rights Commission took their toll.

That brings me to the problem, I am so overbooked with things that have nothing and everything to do with what I want to be when I grow up. When people ask me what it is I do, I ask "For a living or for myself?" If it is for a living I say "I am in IT," if it is for myself I say "I have no idea." I mean, I dabble, right? I do a little Judaism, I am a lay leader in my Jewish community, I do a little film-making, I am consistently under appreciated for my films by festivals, I do a little politicking, I have served on committees and boards, belong to both the Milk and Alice democratic clubs and almost ran for D6, but thankfully realized that I needed to support people like Theresa Sparks instead.

What do I want to be when I grow up? I sat up last night thinking about this, while watching SyFy and scratching my head, I came up with my pro v. con list. I listed all my thoughts about what I loved about doing all of these things and on the other side I listed what I disliked about them. One thing that came out of these lists is that I discovered one thing that I love more than anything else, it had more pros than cons by far. Being a leader in Jewish community and being looked at like the authority (at times) within that framework.

Why not IT? I mean I already have a great job working in IT at an agency I love. The creative aspect is a great one, but when I come home I shed the IT guru from work and become Marty again. I debate issues like adding a new prayer at bedtime for Sadie and what that will mean for her and us. I pull out out Siddur Sha'ar Zahav and pour over it looking for nuance. I mean great job, great people, but did you notice that I called it a job on several occasions. I don't think I have ever called it a career once in public or private.

I guess you could call it my rabbinical school pro v. con list. I mean, that is where I have been headed. Whether zig zagging or meandering, I have always been headed there. Maybe it is time to cull the things that mean a lot but still aren't going to get me all the way to rabbinic studies. I stated before that I wanted to cull before getting into my Jewish Studies program. I did, to a degree, but I kept things where I saw my friends, or would still allow me maneuver in political spaces.

Right now, I need a simplified life. One that is focused, not as scattered as most people see me now. This is my time, my season, to clear out the clutter that has made my life so 20 something (not that 20 something is a bad age), but I am closing in on 33 and I have to make some hard life choices about what to keep and what to give away. The tire mirror is gone, so must the tire mirror mentality be shed.

I am an adult, I have to start acting like one. I can no longer volunteer for everything. If I always say yes, and never say no, what is my yes worth? I going to start with a purge of immense proportions, get ready people, I am going to have to drop most of my projects, if that is a project that we are working on together, I am so sorry, but I have to re-org and prioritize my life around my growing family and growing up.

Over the next few weeks I promise myself, that I will be cutting the time away from school and home by a large amount and buckling down to study, be a father and a husband. Who knows if this will take and I will actually realize "Martin grown up" but the journey has to start somewhere...

Ken yehi ratzon, May it be God's will!
Marty

New developments and directions abound for me in my life as a husband, father and filmmaker. I should add one more thing to that list, possible rabbinic student. As many of you know I have been considering the rabbinate since before most of you met me. At least since I was a young kid wanting to be in touch with a deeper meaning within my soul.

I feel privileged to tell you now that I have broken through those invisible walls that keep stopping me from applying. Although I guess you could say that I have had a self imposed "glass ceiling" installed above my head. Every time I start on a journey to the rabbinate, I end up right back where I started rubbing my aching head.

To give some background, I started my official inquiries in 2007 after graduation from New College of California, yes that one, it imploded a year later and the now defunct college is still a punchline. There was a lot going on in my world when I contacted the Reconstructionist Rabbinical College (RRC) about their programs. I got the packet and felt very lukewarm about what I saw. Then on to Hebrew Union College - Jewish Institute of Religion, or (HUC), which was the form of Judaism that I was used to and had grown into at my Reform Shul. 

Try as I might, I couldn't really convince Shelli to pick up and move to LA with me, NY she would have done, because she had family living there, but not Cincinnati either. I spoke to Reuben Zellman, a recently admitted trans rabbinic student, and was told that the year in Israel would be difficult as well with a partner. Mostly because of the visitors visa issue. That and Shelli really did not want to move anywhere far from our Shul.

I finally decided to work with what I had and I applied to a Jewish Studies MA program (distance) through Hebrew College in Newton Mass (a suburb of Boston). A fourth tier grad school education, right after an education for a "Just, Sacred & Sustainable World" makes for great dinner conversation. My fellow students are all second career professionals with degrees coming out of their ears, so for them the school is a nice pace.

For me, it feels like I am standing still, stuck in the mud if you will. At a time in my life when I should be settling into a career, I am just exploring one.  Though exploration is something I am very familiar with, I read the menu at my favorite restaurants every time I sit down. Shelli often complains that I will plan things to death. What can I say, it stops me from bad mistakes in life and keeps me honest.

Recently there have been a smattering of trans-movement yeshiva style rabbinic schools popping up and onto my radar. Upon reflection, I realized that there were opportunities to study that would allow me to take the next steps, without having to uproot my little family. Especially now, with Shelli expecting another little bundle or joy. If I want to make becoming a rabbi a part of my here and now, then I need to take concrete steps and not self sabotage.

That brings us to the wild world of the ALEPH Rabbinic Program. "A non-denominational, highly decentralized program of learning which offers structured guidance and mentorship in pursuing the rigorous studies and practica which can culminate in rabbinic ordination." This program has been offered up as a panacea at times, by advisors or professors who didn't think I was cut out for the rabbinate, whether because of my trans nature or my over scheduled life.

Lately I started actually considering adding the program to my accredited Masters program from Hebrew College. And this past week I talked to the admissions person at ALEPH and asked about getting a packet. I am not quite to where I left off at HUC, but if I can get past that, I think I could ride that victory over self defeat all the way to ordination. Not that I am saying it will be easy, because HaShem knows, I am a difficult character to work with :)